xanga no more

www.where-you-are.blogspot.com

Currently Listening These Friends of Mine By Rosie Thomas see related

if i want to write a book someday, i probably shouldn't neglect xanga. i write something most every day, but rarely does anyone see it besides me and God. so here's some nuggets about what my life has been like for the past month. by prefacing all of this with the thought that i'd like to write a book, i'm not saying this is publishable.

i've been caught in my own head for the past week or so. i feel as though my heart has been on lockdown, with no one getting in or out. this creates a vicious downward spiral towards depression. while there's nothing exactly wrong with moving solely out of obedience to the Lord, there isn't a whole lot of joy in that. once you experience true joy and satisfaction in Him, nothing else with do. the bar continues to be raised, and i'm less and less satisfied with life as is. i never want to be satisfied with life as is.

as of may 1, i am full-time with illuminate. most days i just want to apply for a job for a steady income, but i'd be disobedient, no question about it. God has supplied everything i've needed thus far, but every day i still question Him. i wish i weren't like that.

i hate the word missionary. it's become a glorified term to describe someone who has a "special" call on their lives. now i think everyone has a special call on their lives, but every single Christian (a term to be discussed on another day) is called to be a missionary. every missionary i've met is a broken sinner, myself included. if you want to see your sin in all it's awful, hell-deserving reality, become a missionary.  i just follow God, and not always joyfully or even willingly. i'm compelled. my flesh constantly wants to run the other direction.

we're taking pastors back to northern iraq in november. i will not just visit iraq once in my life. hopefully not just twice. this is why i get up in the morning: the hope of Christ being exalted in the nations.

i really miss italy. REALLY miss it. i haven't been back since STINT. my heart hurts when i pray for italians. Joshuaproject.org had an article a few weeks ago about Unreached Europe, and it was incredible. people from Sweden are the most resistant to the gospel, and Italians are the 10th most resistant in the world. Sweden is the toughest field in the world. the prayers of faithful saints need to soak the ground in Europe. God has to move.

i'm plagued with doubt, but when it comes down to it, there is nothing else i want to do with my life. God could call me somewhere else - and i want to stay open to that - but i believe God is stirring up awakening, and my heart burns for that day. the day when Jesus returns to His Bride, and says to each of us "well done, good and faithful servant."

Currently Listening Pretend You're Alive By Lovedrug see related

i'm hot 'cause i'm fly

so, clearly, i'm back, and have been for over a week. the thought of putting all the incredible things i sacw into words has been such a daunting task that i've avoided it until now. i'm going to try my best to convey what God did while i was gone.

JORDAN
as soon as we stepped off of the plane in Amman, i could smell the difference in the air. it smelled like Baku. i had perma-smile and felt more alive than i have in a really long time. this is what i was made to do.

we visited a whole lot of places in the 4 days we were actually in the country. i ate more than my fair share of hummus, falaffel, and shwarma. the people are incredible. for security reasons, i can't go into detail. but i sensed the presence of God more during the muslim call prayer most during the day. it was a reminder that He was still moving, still Light, in such a dark-seeming place. Dark is light to Him.

i loved Jordan. i loved Jordanian people. i didn't want to leave - but this was just the beginning of my love affair with the Middle East.

ISRAEL
crossing the border into Israel is like...well, getting into Israel. it's on lockdown. i think i went through 5 metal detectors and was questioned extensively about my visit. there are children with automatic weapons at every turn.

our visit started with a motion sickness-inducing taxi ride to Jerusalem, with stop #2 being an amazing hookah place. the next day we saw all the holy sites, from the Mt. of Olives to Golgotha. this was our tourist day, but it was the most stressful and my least favorite. i felt a lot of inner turmoil from the spiritual warfare that lingers over the city. ornate, elaborate cathedrals have been built over every station of the cross. i only felt comfortable at a place called The Garden Tomb. do some research about it if you want to know more. it was beautiful.

our 24 hour stint in Israel ended soon enough for me, and we made it out of the country right before the mock country shutdown.

IRAQ
jackpot. as i stepped off of our plane, the Jessica, i felt like Condoleeza Rice, walking into the tiny terminal with one gate. the next day we had lunch with the team we would be staying with - most notable of whom is a former afghan prisoner.

the next few days i felt like i was drinking from a fire hydrant. we met with lots of other "non profit" people in Iraq, all with amazing stories of suffering and seeing God move among the Kurds. i was around incredible people who poured into my life for 4 intense days. i really didn't want to leave Iraq.

God is doing HUGE things in these places, and more across the world. it's a privilege to be involved in it, that He chooses to use us. everyone we talked with needed one thing most of all: more laborers. how will you respond to Jesus' call to "go into all the world?"

see the journey in pictures on my facebook.

Currently Listening United We Stand By Hillsong United from the inside out. see related

newsflash: i'm going to iraq. 

i leave tomorrow for jordan, then we're off to israel, and then iraq. this is the trip of a lifetime, literally. binding up the brokenhearted.

we'll be in iraq march 23-26. this is my humble plea for myriads to be praying for us. i'll update www.where-you-are.blogspot.com while i'm there.

we're back march 26.

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out
And my soul cries out...

Currently Listening Speak for Yourself By Imogen Heap see related

i wish i could quit you
(ah, brokeback)

just when i think i'm done with xanga, for real, is when i want to write. now nothing on here has been publishable, but i have lofty dreams of writing a book someday. maybe this is my way of reaching out, of letting people in, in a "safe" way, where there isn't possible confrontation, or backlash to what i'm thinking about. they're my thoughts anyways.

smiling and forcing myself to be in a good mood, to put on a happy face, does wonders for my actual mood. life is generally quite insecure, especially at the moment. everything, in reality, is always unstable, but i feel like ALL of the balls are still up in the air. none of them are at rest. i'm forced to go to God for security. yes, a good thing. still, uncomfortable - panic attack uncomfortable.

my conclusion is that i don't get God. a really good thing, because then i'd stop seeking Him. sometimes i really want to, just to see what life would be like. to get a "real" job, to only care about money, boys, parties, and my appearance. deep down i know i'd be miserable, that it would be a facade for what i was really made to live for.

i wouldn't trade all of the $#!& that is currently going on to be that girl.

God HAS to be faithful. it's who He is.